My fiancée left me six weeks ago after getting emotionally attached to another man. She is now living with him having been with me for 11 years; I thought we were soul mates and she did also but towards the end she said that she said she had to give it a go with this man. She said she also wanted me in her life and although I tried having no contact with her for a while, I found it hard. She is now texting and emailing me that she loves me more than I will ever know and wants to meet up with me without her new partner knowing. I love her dearly but I am really confused by her behaviour; she says we are soul mates and that in her heart she knows one day we will be back together but she can’t leave this man right now and needs to try to work it through. She tells me lots of things about the new man and says he isn’t like me and it’s just different. I really don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t want her out of my life and would like me and her to work it through. It’s really confusing; is she just using me?

Hillie says:

In a nutshell – yes! Don’t waste any more time and emotion on this very selfish and immature person. She wants it all; she wants to be with her new partner but she also wants you waiting in the wings as her bolthole should things go wrong. She’s cheated on you, she’s now cheating on her present partner and if you ever take her back she’ll cheat on you again. The best thing for you to do is ignore her calls and cut her out of your life. It will be hard at first but your priority must be to keep yourself busy, join as in many activities as you can and make new friends. Time is a great healer and as a single man you will soon be much in demand.

I have been in a relationship for about eight months and recently things went pear shaped. Her family and I had a big discussion and it turns out that the problem is I’m too insecure. I ask her family stupid questions about the men she sees and it all goes back to her. She feels I don’t trust her but I really do and don’t know why I ask these questions. She’s told me numerous times that she wouldn’t do anything to hurt me and isn’t going anywhere, but my mouth gets the better of me. We talked and decided to have a few weeks break from each other. She is clinically depressed and has been put on anti-depressants. Apparently she wasn’t sleeping; she hasn’t been very well and with me being so insecure it brought her down. I know for a fact that she still loves me, because she emailed me and told me so; she said that although we are on a break we are still together. I just hope she is not punishing me. I have been told to just give her time, and when she is ready she will want to see me. I guess my biggest fear is that I will never find anyone else if we were to break up as I am not the best looking bloke in the world and past experiences have left me once bitten twice shy. I don’t know what more I can do, but give her time I suppose.

Hillie says:

Please believe in yourself and trust your instincts. There has to be a reason why you started to feel insecure about your relationship. Were you told something about these men and had she been spending more time with them? Had her behaviour or attitude suddenly changed? In any relationship we have a duty towards our partner in our actions and words, not to make them feel suspicious or insecure. You did the right thing to talk to her about the way you feel and in future don’t involve her family again. If there is nothing going on and she truly cares for you, she will do everything she can to help you trust her. If things don’t work out you will find someone else. Your girlfriend found you attractive and there will be many other girls who will also be attracted to you. Film star good looks are not everything; women go for character, a sense of humour, and someone who is dependable, loving and caring; you just need to build up your self esteem. Write down all your achievements and plus points and learn to appreciate them. If you can’t like and admire yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? It is a fact that there are many more single women around than men and you will be in demand. Begin to think about yourself and your own needs. Go out as much as possible and see friends but don’t talk about your girlfriend. Join in new activities such as a sports club or evening classes and try to make new friends. There is nothing wrong with you, you just need to spend time with people who appreciate you for who you are and with whom you can have some fun. Once you become independent and start to enjoy yourself you may not want your girlfriend back!

I have been dating a lovely man for the last three months, there are quite a few miles between us and although we have only met seven times we are in constant contact through emails, texts and calls; every day in fact, from the start. We have many shared values and interests and I like him very much – he is very keen on me. I just don’t yet feel much physical attraction. Actually, I’m not sure if my ‘radar’ is very sound because in the past I have felt lots of this with men who were not right for me and I think what I am now comparing to was just ‘lust’. Is it just early days do you think please, can this develop? I know that I am happy with how things are going and I want him in my life; maybe I am just a bit afraid of fully letting go? I would very much appreciate your advice.

Hillie says:

I’m pleased you have realised there has been a pattern in your love life. You have felt immediately attracted to and fell in lust with men who were not right for you. Many of us make this mistake and some never get enlightened as to what’s happening in their life. I think this relationship is worth pursuing; shared values and interests are a great starting point. The most successful relationships often start off as friendships and you must like him a great deal to be emailing, calling and texting him every day. Many people worry so much about what’s going to happen in the future that they forget to enjoy the present. You say this is early days so I suggest you enjoy this lovely friendship, forget about what the future may bring and just see what happens.

At the beginning it is natural to have mixed emotions about this new venture you are embarking on. The first week for me was strange; for twenty two years the Dinner Dates office had occupied the top floor of my house and it was a hive of activity with my colleagues bustling around and the phone constantly ringing. Every day dramas abounded along with peals of laughter and the impossible was frequently achieved. Suddenly the office was quiet and bare; all the computers, telephones, printers, copiers, desks, chairs and people had gone and the cat and I wandered around feeling lost! I had the feeling that at any minute I would get an urgent call from the new office in Ealing asking for my help; however no calls came. I felt I should do something useful so I decided to clear up the mess and start shredding all my old paper work, bank statements, accounts and receipts dating back to 1989. Very soon my husband had to buy me an industrial shredder and we still haven’t finished!

We started to celebrate with lunches and dinners with friends and it was luxury to enjoy lie-ins. I decided to get super fit; I enjoyed bike rides with my husband and threw myself into classes at the gym which I had always wanted to try – Pilates, yoga, aerobics and Zumba have all been great fun. After the first week, the stress and feelings that I should be doing something began to melt away and realisation that I didn’t in fact have to do anything dawned upon me. I found myself smiling at everyone, taking time to talk to people and euphoria set in.

In this euphoric stage it would be easy to think that now I had all the time in the world to go on shopping sprees I should do so. However it’s important to look carefully at your financial situation at this stage and to meet with a financial adviser to see how much money you have available to spend in future. It’s impossible to make plans without this knowledge.

I find it amusing that everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do; they are convinced I must be bored already and desperate to start a new business. I’ve always been a busy person multi tasking numerous projects at once and it seems incomprehensible to everyone that I’m not missing all the stress and excitement. Well I’m very happy with my situation at present making travel plans and spending more time with friends and family. When one door closes, another opens up and as Mr Micawber would say ‘something will turn up’!

Retirement is an exciting new stage in life and there are different goals to be achieved. Now is the time to fulfill yourself and not to worry about other people’s expectations. The world is full of exciting opportunities; travel, education, hobbies and sports, cultural and purely enjoyable entertainments. The world is your oyster.

Many years ago whilst watching the television, I was inspired by a lady celebrating her 99th birthday who when asked why she was starting a computer course replied ‘one must always strive to improve oneself!’

My husband hates his father and step-mother but isn’t brave enough to tell them not to come and visit us. They live abroad and when they visit, they stay for two weeks at a time. During their visit my husband is rude to them and short tempered with me and the children. I have to do all the running around for them and he does nothing. It’s intolerable and although I wish they wouldn’t stay I realise they need to see their grand children. They know he hates their visits and they wind him up while they’re here! What’s the solution?

Hillie says:

The next time they wish to stay with you, tactfully tell them it would be better for all of you if they stay at a local hotel or guest house – if they can’t afford it your husband should contribute towards the cost if only for the peace of mind it will afford him. If they can visit for set periods of time maybe your husband can grow up and be pleasant to them for your sake as well as the children’s. They could take their grand children out for treats by themselves and sometimes your husband could be out at a business meeting when they visit. It’s tough on all of you but they deserve to see their grand children and it would be churlish to deny them this pleasure.

Hillie says:

Try this subterfuge. Tell your sister-in-law that one of the other guests has asked you if she can contribute to the cost of the christening party and wants to know if you want cash or a cheque. You can tell your sister-in-law how much you appreciate the offer. Your sister-in-law will then have an opportunity to offer a contribution and if she doesn’t you can tell her you would to split the cost of the party with her. Unless you do something your sister-in-law will continue to carry on in the same old inconsiderate way. Maybe she doesn’t realise that your in-laws can’t cope and that you are overworked because none of you have told her. It’s time to gently explain that you are prepared to help out occasionally with proper notice but she needs to be responsible for her own family and make alternative arrangements. Be firm; you have more than enough to cope with already.

I have been divorced for 18 months but since I’ve been single I’ve broken up three marriages and I feel concerned! Each time I’ve met a new girlfriend and been ‘head over heels’ with her, married friends have asked us to come and stay with them for a short break. Within months of our visit their marriage has broken up! I feel my visits must be the kiss of death to any marriage and I am afraid to accept any more invitations. What do you think?

Hillie says:

Be selective about which friends you go to stay with in future. Make sure they are couples you know have established happy marriages. Staying with couples who may be restless with each other and letting them see what’s missing through seeing your new relationship is bound to ‘upset the apple cart’.

One of the problems with growing older is that we remember how our parents looked at our age and compared to them we probably look a lot younger. There again when I look at photos of my grandparents and great grandparents they looked positively ancient compared to modern standards. We tend to forget that better medical and dental care, greater knowledge of the dangers of smoking and alcohol, better eating habits, modern beauty aids, treatments and different fashions, all help to make us look younger than our forbears.

Although we all age on the outside most of us feel the same inside as we did in our late teens and twenties. We don’t grow up inside! Therefore when we reach any particular age we can’t believe it because we still feel so young and compared to our mental picture of what someone should look like at our age we are convinced that we look younger than the norm. Well I’m sorry to tell you but in my experience the people I meet look their age; they look the right particular age for the 21st century!

Many people fear getting older and becoming less attractive to others, so they become desperate to hide their real age. They feel that having a younger escort will fool people into thinking they are more youthful and more attractive. There are obviously exceptions but on the whole I think they ridicule themselves. In my opinion if a single person wants a long term relationship then they need to be with someone with whom they can converse with similar life experiences. It may be fun to start with but will that partner want you when you’re collecting your bus pass and they want to party all night in nightclubs.

‘Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!’ Lying about your age may seem irrelevant to some people but what happens when you want to go on holiday together and he/she reads your passport date of birth? You will have proved yourself to be a liar and sown doubts in your partner’s mind; how else are your trying to deceive them?

In my experience people are attracted to those who are happy and confident with what they are. It may be an old cliché but beauty really does come from within, it’s the most powerful tool of attraction there is. After a while most men tire of painted bimbos and most young women will tire of aging lotharios!

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a good thing for people to take care of their looks and to keep as young and healthy as they can; most of us would like to be healthy and active until a ripe old age with all our ‘marbles’ intact!

However why can’t we stop this obsession with age and accept people for who they are. This should apply in the work place as well. If someone is right for the job let them do it whatever age they are; if they can’t keep up with the pace then look elsewhere.

Many parts of the world revere age and maybe it’s about time we did. It’s time for everyone to ‘out’ their age! You’ll find it a liberating experience and far less stressful than lies.

I am recently single – fresh from a 5 year relationship – and I have totally forgotten how to flirt. When I was with my man, I felt like I was super-hot and just assumed that everyone would like me if it weren’t for my boyfriend. However now I’m back on the game, no one pays me any attention like I thought they would. I seem to have lost the ability to make myself look available. How do I attract men again, like I used to?
Thanks

Hillie says:A good-looking and attached woman in a steady relationship is an attractive prospect for certain men. They feel safe in the knowledge that there is no danger of commitment. The woman in turn feels confident and secure enough to flirt back. It’s all a game! However sometimes the flirting seems real and that’s when many a relationship gets rocky.
Now you are single you don’t have the security of a relationship base and you’ve temporarily lost your confidence. Here are a few ways to help you regain it:

Improve your feelings of self-worth
Make a list of all your attributes and achievements; believe in yourself and give yourself some mental praise. Always remember that you determine your own worth and that your worth has absolutely nothing to do with your actions or the way you feel about things. Sometimes you won’t like the way you behaved but this has nothing to do with your worth. Learn from your mistakes and determine to do better next time.
Realise that you are not unique – others are nervous as well
We all get nervous in varying situations, and if you can concentrate on putting others at their ease instead of concentrating on your own unease, they will respond well to you and you will begin to feel more confident.
Don’t be fearful of what others may think of you
Have the courage of your convictions to do what you feel is right for you, providing you don’t hurt anyone else in doing so. It doesn’t matter what others think of you – we can’t be everyone’s favourite person. Face the fact that not everyone in this life is going to like you or your actions, so you might as well go with your own insticts and get on with what you want to do.
Never put yourself down
Putting yourself down through your conversation or actions does nothing to enhance your image. If you concentrate on the best in you, not only will this give you more self confidence, but it will instil a sense of well-being in whoever you are with at the time.
Learn to receive compliments
Try to develop the habit of accepting compliments with good grace and a thank you. Never ignore kind words; accept what they say and give your self esteem a boost.
Fake confidence
One way I have found to help my self confidence is to fake it. Many people when they gain success or fame begin to feel less confident in themselves as they wonder how they can keep up with their public image. However, because they become so adept at faking confidence, the likes of you and I would never guess their insecurities. I’m sure that after a few months of acting out a self confident you, you will find that you have even convinced yourself!
Understand that the world is your mirror
When you are smiling and feeling great the whole world seems to smile with you and life takes on a completely different hue. The world is like a mirror and reflects the way we think about ourselves. When you don’t like yourself you will tend to find fault in others and they in turn may begin to dislike you. When you like yourself, you will tend to treat others in a fair understanding and pleasant way which they will appreciate. Once you feel confident in yourself others will feel confident with you.

If you resolve to be happy and think happy and positive thoughts, you will portray a happy, ‘together’ personality and you will be amazed how much men will be attracted to you.